For many of us, the arrival of Christmas is a relief. We can finally down tools and relax, as we look forward to happy celebrations with our loved ones and welcoming a new year filled with possibilities.
But by contrast, the festive season can evoke a sense of dread in people who are struggling with grief. Raucous, joy-filled get-togethers can only increase the deep sadness and isolation they may feel, particularly during their first Christmas without a dear loved one around.
If you are in the midst of grief right now, please know that you are not alone.
While you don’t need me to tell you that Christmas is going to be a challenging time, I have suggested some things you can do to look after yourself and ensure you don’t take on too much.
If you know someone who is grieving and want to support them, please know that kindness and empathy are crucial.
However, you may not know exactly what to do or say, which is why I have outlined some thoughts and advice for you to consider.
Advice for those who are grieving:
Don’t be afraid to say “I’ll come back to you” – or even “no” – when people invite you to get-togethers
Saying you’ll respond later will allow time to consider what’s best for you. But if you already know the gathering will be difficult, saying “no” just for this year will help relieve unwelcome pressure.
Identify your emotional triggers
Writing them down will help you prepare, avoid, or explain to others if things get too much, or you need to disappear for a few moments to regroup. If you feel comfortable, you could share your trigger-plan with close friends or family before an event, so that everybody understands.
Be kind to yourself
There’s no getting away from the fact that Christmas is going to be an emotionally raw and unsettling time. Try to accept your feelings as they happen, and create a flexible environment in which you can give yourself whatever you need in that moment. Don’t be surprised if your mood constantly changes or you experience several different emotions at once: that’s exactly what grief can feel like.
You may also want to create a new ritual that honours your loved one, from going to a special place of remembrance to simply curling up in front of their favourite TV show.
Advice for those supporting a loved one:
Be available, without any pressure
A simple message letting them know you’re thinking of them (rather than asking “How are you?” which puts pressure on them to respond) can be extremely comforting.
Don’t exclude them from your seasonal invitations
Even if you think your loved one wouldn’t want to come to a noisy party or a fun celebratory meal, ask them anyway. Just don’t put any pressure on them to attend, and if they do agree to come, expect them to cancel at the last minute.
Give them space to talk and feel, without fear or judgment
Offer a safe space for them to express their feelings, without trying to offer advice or ‘fix’ their pain. If they would rather just be alone, try not to take it personally.
Ask them what they need, and do whatever you can to help
Never assume to know what someone else needs when they’re deep in grief, even if you have experienced it yourself. Instead, simply offer to help wherever you can – such as doing some shopping, cooking, or offering to meet them for a walk.
Next steps
If you are struggling with grief and need extra support, please don’t be afraid to reach out to a counsellor or therapist. And if you are supporting a loved one, don’t forget to check in with them after the holiday season has ended, as this is when feelings of isolation can really start to kick in.
Beyond EAP offers specialist employee support for life’s toughest challenges, including bereavement and grief. View our free resources here, or get in touch directly to learn more.